Don't get me wrong, I'm not a 'Death is beautiful and precious and I need it bottled to wear as perfume' Emo Goth, or whatever the stereotype is now, but I do think about it. About how when so-and-so(no names in case they read this! 'hey so I read on your blog that you think about me dying'? Really? Awwwwkward!) dies my entire life will be changed. Or, more like, warped. What life could that be, after all, where I couldn't talk to that person? Hear their voice? Hug them? How could I even be 'Sarah' without them? It shouldn't occur to me like that, but it does. I just can't fathom being Me without that person, or Me minus this person.
In my rational mind, I do know that 'Sarah' being 'Sarah' is not reliant on any person being around, absent, alive or dead. But certain people I just can't imagine being me without. I know that's not wrong, or weird, it just is.
But then, It's not always death of people I think about. Just today I had a thought:
'One day, I will be grown. I may be a novelist. I may be a veterinarian. Eric may be anything, same as I. Same for Lauren. Same for Caleb. Same for all of us. Hell, Brynna may have pursued her lifelong dream of being a Dentist/Superspy. We may all be close-ish. We may all grow apart. We will not be in school together. We will not be all in the same room, getting angry at each other for having raised a hand first and having Mom's attention while the rest of us wait in line. The babies will no longer be The Babies(a habit Mom is already trying to break us all of, haha). They will(hopefully, at least)have full grasp of the 'affa-bet' and that Seven is not a letter, and neither is 'Ellemenopee'. Lauren will have had Braces. We will(Again, hopefully.)not be screaming at each other to "Shut up" and and that "I hate you!". These are all (for the most part)good things to be rid of. But then all of them will be gone forever. Never again will I have the opportunity to hug my brother whenever I damn well please. Never again will I lightly tug on my sister's hair to say 'Hey, Stupid. Love you.' That stage of my life will be over. Forever.'
I know that all I'm focusing on in the hypothetical future I may not even reach is the past(From the future! Woo convoluted thought process!), and not that life may be the best it ever was, I could be married to a wonderful man with four wonderful, well-behaved kids just as easily as I could be a destitute failed author with fifty cats to fill the void where the love/bacon I can't afford would go. I could be DEAD. But somehow, I don't really feel that that's the point. I mean. I do think about that stuff too. I still don't know what I want to be when I 'grow up', but I'm turning it over in my head every spare second it seems, now, and this, this isn't about 'the future and what's mine there.' It's about 'The End.'
"The end of what?", you may ask, imaginary reader that may or may not exist. I'm not quite sure. Can you sum all that up in a word? I suppose the word I'd use would be 'Childhood', but then, I should have been asleep hours ago and probably shouldn't be writing this late. Maybe there isn't a word I'm looking for, and I'm not even talking about that specific thing to End. Maybe I'm just talking about endings in general. Maybe we can't even really 'get' the End until it's Ended permanently. I don't know.
With all of the above having been considered, I have an inquiry for those few readers I may or may not have; Can you? Can you fully comprehend the 'End' of anything, really, before it is? Does it really matter? Am I just unnecessarily thinking extensively about something that won't matter until after these bridges are already crossed and burned? Should I just forget about it and occupy my thoughts with more productive things, like projects or the novel that is a barely plausible idea right now? Chime in down
Final bit of business before I go to sleep: A reward to those of you who read all the way to the end of that exceedingly childish, annoying, and purposeless rant.
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